Meghan Bowman

 

Thanks Sask Music.

I am excited that my latest album, 'The Watchmen' made it onto the 'Best Albums of 2016' long list. Thanks Sask Music. 

 

You can vote at this link:

 

https://www.saskmusic.org/programs/best-sask-albums

 

You can listen at this link:

https://meghanbowman.bandcamp.com/album/the-watchmen

I don't care.

I'm going to make this quick. Maybe. Just let me get this out there.

 

I don't care what you think of me. I really don't. 

Some days I get weak, and start to think that the worlds opinion of me matters, and then I get crushed because someone posts something cruel on one of my youtube videos or whatever, and I let it affect how I see myself and then I break a little bit. And then I realize that that person doesn't really know me. And I get back to not caring. 

 

Musically, I'm a little hard to define. I probably am not going to give the prospective managers what they want, I won't paint a beautiful picture for you with my stage presence and I might shed tears as I sing some of my new stuff. Which might make you uncomfortable.

 

I am in the midst of figuring it all out. I'm not pretending to have anything figured out. My world, heart and life have been rocked the past few years... I'm still finding my footing. 

 

Like me. Or don't. But understand, that my worth is not determined by what you think of me. My worth is determined by the kind of life I live. The kind of heart I have. Am I kind? Am I generous? Do I know how to love? Am I compassionate? Can I stop for someone who needs help and give them what they need? 

 

Keep Going.

Vulnerability.

 

Is not a one time thing.

You don't just show up once.

You don't just put yourself out there once.

You don't just express your thoughts, regrets, dreams once and then hide the rest of your life.

 

You keep doing it. You keep showing up. You keep pressing in. 

Even if people reject you. You just keep going. 

 

Rejection is harder when you're honest and vulnerable. Because when you truly are being honest and open and sharing something, if people doing like it (or don't like you), it feels like they are rejecting the real you. It feels easier somehow if you don't share yourself so much. If you just try and be "nice" and "sweet" and not too invested and not too emotional and not too opinionated. If someone rejects you... it seems to hurt less. Because you know somewhere deep down that they didn't really know you. 

 

Sometimes vulnerability doesn't feel like it's worth it. Especially in this day and age. But what other option do we really have?

 

I'm so sick of talking about nothing and not really knowing each other. 

 

Put yourself out there. Be who you really are. Don't try and be anyone else. Fight for something. Stand for something. Stand up for someone. Push the limits. Keep going. Take risks. 

 

Life is so freakin short. 

 

 

Progression.

Hello internetland. 

 

A lot is new with me these days. 

 

I won't tell you about it all but one thing to note is I have started my music therapy internship. Music therapy is such an exciting field; and I love to be a part of it.

 

I have been working hard at learning how to play the cello. The cello is the hardest instrument I have ever learned. The learning curve often feels slow. 

 

Back in June, I was supposed to go on tour, and then when I decided to depart from that tour I had a whole lot of time on my hands and a little bit of money. I was a little discouraged as well, so I felt it was important to do something for myself in those days... Life is short. And we do need to take the time to enjoy our lives. Sometimes that is not possible when a crisis hits and you fall into "survival" mode... which is a very real thing. And I am sorry to those of you who are reading this who are in that space right now. 

 

But back in June, I decided it was time to buckle down and put all of my heart and emotions and frustration into learning the cello. As I mentioned before, music therapy is a beautiful field. And because of what I know about it and the education I have received, I get to utilize some of the tools I would normally use with a client, on myself. Cello is officially a therapy friend of mine.

 

I worked my butt off to learn the cello (and still am). I did. There's no nice way to say it. In the beginning I was sitting with my cello for three hours a day. Eventually that dwindled. And I had to be careful to not injure anything. I have injury-prone wrists and I often deal with pain in that area... so if my wrists hurt, I stopped practicing. Eventually the three hours, turned into two and now I'm lucky if I can sit down for an hour to practice my cello. 

 

But the thing I learned about progression in the past few months is:

1) Consistency is key. 

No matter what your goal is, you can't work towards it on just the days that you feel like it. You have to be consistent. You can make mistakes sometimes, and take some time off sometimes... but have some grace with yourself and then start again. And my second point has to do with just that...

 

2) Grace.

In your health goals, your finance goals, your musical goals... grace is key. I often want to progress faster than I am. Especially when I am working on some issue with myself personally, I just want to fix my bad habit or whatever and be a super human. But I am not a super human. I am a fragile, resilient, creative, messy person. I have to respect my limitations sometimes. But I also have to break open the freakin box other times. But in the moments that I feel like throwing in the towel completely because I messed up or got off track for a few days, I have to learn to forgive myself and start again. 

I can't tell you how many times, I have failed at something and never tried that thing again. Did you know that many millionaires in our world were once bankrupt? Look at the stats. 

The people who actually succeed are the ones who learned from their failures and tried again. 

 

Have a good day. Here are some videos to see my progression on the cello if you're interested. More coming soon I hope!

 

https://youtu.be/vpIb6w7AZuM

 

https://youtu.be/NhX1vCjB5go

 

blah blah blah

I've been working on this blog post for the last couple of weeks: using different language to try and say the same things.

Today as I sat on my couch staring at the blank walls in my new apartment for nearly an hour, I decided it was time to just open up the ol' 2008 Macbook and spew out my thoughts onto this page. 

I've been having that weird empty feeling lately... you know the one where you try to keep yourself incredibly busy so you won't be left alone with your thoughts? That doesn't really make sense.... because if you feel empty, your thoughts must not have a lot going on either. But it feels more like there's too much going on in the noggin, but every thought is a fragment, so they don't really connect. You try and stay away from being alone with your thoughts because it's overwhelming and if you did give yourself permission to "think" and process, you wouldn't really reach constructive conclusions anyway.

I feel incredible resistance in my life lately. Like, it doesn't really matter how much effort or preparation I put into things, I still only barely "make the cut" or "scrape by" or whatever.

I feel rejected. I'm not totally sure where I belong these days or what I should be doing. 

These are all just feelings though. I just spewed a bunch of feelings at you, without really telling you specific reasons behind them. But I don't need to go into reasons right now...

Are feelings valuable and valid in their own right? Different people will answer different things. Of course there are individuals who try and numb their feelings and don't think they're valid. And then their are others who FEEL EVERYTHING in such a visceral way. Perhaps, I am on that side of the fence. No kidding Meghan. You are on that side of the fence. 

What I feel is valid. And I can acknowledge the struggle and brokenness as I stare that the blank walls in my new apartment. But after I wallow for a bit, I need to change the scenery. I need to get out of my own head. I need to go outside. 

Endurance is important. Sometimes you're enduring without even really knowing that you are. I hope that's what I'm doing right now.

 

 

The Watchmen

This is the album that taught me how to fight for myself.

Today is the release day of The Watchmen. But I woke up this morning to find out that the album is nowhere to be found on Itunes! So officially this album will have several release dates. Tonight, if you are in the Lanigan, SK. area, I am singing these new songs at Christian Fellowship Church (7pm) and you can pick up a copy of the album at the show.  This coming week, I believe the Lanigan Pharmacy and Guernsey Hotel will be selling it in their establishments too. 

You can buy it online at http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/meghanbowman17 

I have started writing this blog post three times now. My webpage keeps crashing. The “circle of death” keeps showing up. You know that little circle that says something is loading – but it probably isn’t. And you’re 2008 Macbook will probably just freeze and you’ll have to “force shut down”.

 

I am currently trying to upload the album to more internet sites to make it available to you, but I am dealing with rural Saskatchewan internet… so like I said – this album is being released today, tomorrow and for weeks to come. It’s a new trend I’m trying – the multiple release dates trend.

 

This entire album has taught me how to fight for something. So it’s probably appropriate that even as I attempt to release it it’s causing me so much frustration.

 

This album was birthed in frustration. It even taught me that frustration is not a bad thing. In North America, we are so good at becoming numb. We have substances and reality television and alternate realities (such as the social network I am writing this on right now) that can actually disconnect us from the deepest emotions. But The Watchmen forced me to feel things that I sometimes didn’t want to feel. But in the end, it was for the better – it gave me character, it made me see a group of people that I had never seen before (people who know the repercussions of sexual violence) and it gave me something to fight for. But most importantly, it taught me how to fight for myself.

I’m proud of this album and I don’t feel ashamed to say that. Thanks to those of you who fought for it to come out with me. Thank you so much to Creative Saskatchewan for being one of the first organizations to come on board! Thank you for your financial contribution. Also thanks to SASS (Sexual Assault Services of Saskatchewan). They released a newsletter today and featured my story. I will be doing more work with them in the future. Thanks to Darryl Kissick who was also one of the first people on board! And everyone else… I’m sorry I can’t list you all. 

Here is an article the Lanigan Advisor did about the story behind the album.

http://meghanbowman.com/files/Meghan_Bowman_-_Advisor.pdf

The Amazing Creature Tour

About a year and a half ago I promised myself that I would stop being so fearful of life itself.

I decided to pick up my dreams and chase after them once again.

 

I'm releasing a new album in one week - April 29th!~ AND I'm heading on tour that same day. Both of these things are dreams of mine. Yes, I have released and album before and I have gone on tour. But this feels a little different.

 

I'm not so afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to share my heart with a room full of people. I don't feel the need to apologize for who I am or for what music flows out of me. I have learned the hard way that not everyone even approves of my music. But that's ok. And who cares? It's not their music - it's mine. I am the one who went into that creative moment and brought out a song or a lyric. And it is exactly the way it is because I thought it should be that way. 

 

And because this album in particular was written during some difficult months - I should be proud of it. I should be thankful for the healing that came from it.

 

Here we go. I'm walking this out. The success of this album and tour is not about numbers for me. It's not about the masses being impressed. It's about that one person. It's about the people who are sitting in that audience who know exactly what assault/abuse feels like... the shame and blame that comes from an experience where another person felt entitled to your space and skin... I want to connect with those people. I want them to know that they have a right to be angry. But then after the anger relieves a bit, they have a right to process it all and heal. They will never forget... but they will walk away a whole, happy person. I hope for that. I pray for that.

 

xoxox

Update

Update.

I still love chocolate. I have a dog now. He is officially mine. I found him wandering the streets of my neighbourhood in early Decemeber. 

 

I am in pretty much the same place with the new album that I was in the last time I wrote a blog. But things are moving along now. We are working on the graphic design and soon this beast will head to the manufacturer. Tonight, I finished writing my "thank you's" for the album cover.

 

I am heading on tour at the end of April. Heading out to the west coast. And then in July I am heading to the east coast. I miss the west coast so I'm excited to go back there and see some friends, and hopefully meet some new people on tour. I have never been out to the maritimes so I am so excited to be doing that!!!! I will be releasing some dates soon.

Also, I am turning a little older in a couple of weeks. I love lists and often on my birthday I make a list of what I want to accomplish in the next year. The only thing I love more than making these lists is crossing things off as I accomplish them! One of the things on my list that I wanted to accomplish before this next birthday was to release this new album - that will not happen as the release is happening way later than originally planned. But everything else on that list I have accomplished!

 

I'm still kicking. Still figuring out this thing called life. 

 

So far 2016 has been pretty exciting. There have been some awful days... but those are the days that I just go back to bed. Like actually... because of my weird schedule, I have had the luxury of literally crawling under my covers and sleeping the bad days away.  Also because I have a dog now he crawls in with me on those bad days. His company makes me feel better. But the bad days mostly happened in January. I haven't experienced any break ins or speeding tickets or broken cell phones since January. Sounds like I'm complaining so let me end this blog with some good things that have happened this year. 

 

A farmer gave me some earnings he made from his mustard crop to help me "follow my dreams". 

I have spent quite a bit of time at my parents acreage the past two months. My brother lives there too right now so we get into some mischief together when I go home. And by mischief I mean video games and grilled cheese sandwiches at 1 am. Occasionally we get a little crazy and... nope.... we haven't done anything crazy for a long time. 

I have spent a lot of time writing lately. Obviously not for this blog or any social media really but just for my own personal processing. I love writing. I really enjoy writing letters... even if I have no one to give them too. Maybe that's weird but I don't care. 

 

 

xoxoxoxo

RSS feed