Meghan Bowman

 

Happy December.

Oh man. What a weird fall this has been.

It feels like I have attempted to start 73 things and haven't finished any of them. It feels like life is either kicking me in the head or it's clearing my schedule for better things to come.

 

I left Vancouver. (I miss you!) And am currently living in the Queen City - aka Regina. 

 

I am doing my best to complete this album! BUT I have actually lost several vocal tracks due to a glitch in the software. HAHA. Funny how that happens. But today my friends, I hope to finish. And then I will make some concrete plans to release this beast. 

 

How are you? Internet browser, who is currently reading my words and thoughts. Is your life secure and sure? I hope so. That's a nice place to be in. However, if it isn't secure and sure, if you're wondering what the heck you're doing or where the heck you'll be in a month... then I say to you, thanks for the company. Times of struggle and uncertainty, sure show you what you're made of. 

 

I wrote a tweet (sang a tweet?) a little while ago that said something like, "Pressure reveals the cracks in your foundation. And even if the cracks destroy said foundation, you can rebuild it. Better and stronger." I believe that.... pressure reveals a lot. It is an interesting thing to see those you love under pressure. And it is even more interesting to feel the pressure yourself. 

 

I always thought I handled pressure well... until this year. Can you believe this round of 365 days is coming to an end? I think sometime this week I will write a blog about the things I'm thankful for this year. Or maybe what I hope to achieve in the last month of 2015. Yay for lists!

 

 

 

Happy October

Time is flying!!!!!! What the heck.

 

As time passes I realize perhaps life isn't as long as I thought! And even the time I think I have, is not guaranteed.

 

I'm just trying to live as fully as I can and be thankful for even the things that seem like hardships. Why do we always live with nostalgia? Do you look back on times in your life and think you want to go back there? But I bet when you were in that time you were more aware of all the hard things happening around you in the moment? 

 

I want to live my life better. I should always look at the moment I'm in and realize that one day I might want to return to said moment. 

 

Life is a process. I am constantly in process it seems. 

 

Meghan out. 

The anger that follows.

Excuse me while I collect myself.

... is a title of a song on my upcoming album.

It discusses the things that one experiences in regards to sexual assault. 

It talks a bit about my personal story (last year I was assaulted by a stranger on a city bus) and discusses some of the desperation one feels in the months that follow.

It has been almost a year since the incident. 1o and a half months to be exact. 

I have experienced several things: anger, fear, paranoia, shame, self-blame, blame from others, empowerment, gratitude, strength, weakness, etc. etc. 

 

Tonight I feel angry. I don't need people to try and convince me out of my anger. In society, we have created a weird relationship with anger. We teach kids that anger is wrong and they shouldn't get angry. But anger is a natural human emotion. I'm no expert.... but maybe we should teach kids how to outlet their anger in a healthy manner. 

 

Anger is something that people who have experienced assault/abuse feel in intense ways sometimes. I'm not totally sure why... I'm sure there are many studies that have been done about this that you can read... and I can read... but that is not at the top of my priority list right now.

 

What's at the top of my priority list in this moment, is to find a way to outlet this anger in a healthy way. In a moment, I'll probably go downstairs and play my piano, maybe scream or sing or write some words that no one will ever hear.

 

I think what happens most of the time... you can probably read another study about this somewhere.... is that people who have experienced assault/abuse often outlet their anger on themselves. 

Another thing that one feels following an incident is shame. Shame wants to be kept a secret. I feel shame regularly about this. Sometimes people's reactions encourage the shame in me. 

 

Is it ok for me to be angry at the person who did this to me? Who felt entitled to me? To talk to me and touch me in whatever way he wanted? Is it ok for me to be angry at the people who were sitting on the bus with me? Who kept their heads down and their eyes on their phones as this person proceeded to make me small?

 

I don't know if it's ok. Bitterness can kill I think. Not the person that you're bitter at. But you. It can kill you. Or kill a part of you. 

 

I'm going to go and write a song to the person who did this. Most of the time I don't want to think about him. I want to forget. But tonight I can't forget. So I'll look him in the face and tell him what I think. Because for some reason I wasn't able to do that on the day that he assaulted me. 

 

It's strange really. To lose the ability to speak and move. That's why a lot of people blame the victim I think. Because they don't believe that you can actually lose your voice, and your mobility. But I did. On that day. In that moment. It sucked. It's the magic of the brain. It made the decision that that was my best chance of survival. To freeze. 

 

Friends, no one's entitled to you. I pray no one ever makes you feel like they are. And if you know what I'm talking about. If you've experienced something like this... then I look at you with empowerment. Not pity. You have every right to be angry. Just don't be angry at yourself. You did your best. 

Untitled.

Why the heck do you feel like you're not enough?

Well my friend, the answer is simple.

Brene Brown was the first person who introduced the idea of "scarcity culture" to me.

 

Look around.... read a couple magazines, surf the interwebs, turn on the tube.... within the first minute you will have something flash before your eyes that feeds into the idea that you're not enough. Or that you're not living life right.

 

For men... it's probably the idea that they need to make more money, or be more aggressive, or have a bigger truck (maybe that's a prairie thing).

For women.... it's probably the idea that they need to drop a couple pounds, draw black lines on their eye lids, or be a little more quiet and meek.

 

Usually right after we receive this message we are offered some sort of solution. For women, it's anti-aging cream, a weight loss pill. For men... I don't know... maybe the perfect truck flashes across the screen/page. 

 

I am so tired of this. 

I don't want to spend my life hating myself. Do you?

 

Today. 

Just appreciate the little things.

Realize that life is actually really short. 

Treat people with kindness and respect. 

 

I have a lot to learn for sure. I have people to forgive. And people who I have to ask forgiveness from. Life is hard. Don't pretend it isn't. But appreciate it when it isn't kicking you in the butt.

 

And try and start to believe that you are enough. You start treating people better when you learn how to treat yourself better. 

 

Meghan out. 

 

 

Love.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

 

- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

 

C.S Lewis, you get me. 

 

Sometimes it's hard to risk being seen, yes?

 

The more information you give someone, the more information they have to tear you down.

 

I have realized I'm a really good runner.... like I know how to run away from a situation before anyone sees me. 

 

It's super weird, because I'm a musician. I stand in front of a room of people and sing my songs and let people see me. But when it comes to one on one.... I run before the other person has a chance to respond.

 

Interesting how our past haunts us. Interesting how we learn unhealthy habits and stick with them because we think they keep us safe. We also get scared of things, and stay scared of those things because we think our fear will protect us from those things happening again. I call BS. Being scared doesn't keep us safe. Being scared keeps us scared. 

 

Risk. Is a good thing. I'm starting to take bigger risks. 

 

Meghan out.

 

 

The story (ish) behind the new album.

Good morning internet land.

I am currently sitting at my parents kitchen table, drinking coffee, eating a croissant with homemade rhubarb jam, about to go out and weed the garden and pick some raspberries. Feels pretty Saskatchewan to me. Except maybe the croissant part...

I have been working on the new album these past few months. I'm really excited (and nervous if I'm being honest) to put it out.

This is the story (ish) of how the record was written:

 

In October of last year, I had experienced something that I never thought I would experience. It's funny when that happens really... but it happens often and to a lot of people. We think that we are safe or somehow protected from bad things that we hear happened to  a friend of a friend of a friend. We never imagine it will happen to us (or even someone we love) and then BAAAAAM.... it happens to us (or someone we love). 

 

I'm actually not going to tell you the specific story yet. Kind of because I'm not ready to yet. But in due time....

 

I will tell you.... that it is evident at this point in my life, that nobody gets a pass from pain. It doesn't matter who you are: this life is full of things/experiences that will make you hurt. 

 

So I was having trouble sleeping this past year. I would just be afraid a lot of the time. Or even paranoid. Or incredibly sad. And this record began to form in those moments. 

 

Music is a wonderful thing. It has always been the avenue that I use to heal. Healing is a wonderful thing. Restoration is a wonderful thing. 

 

This was a record that helped me heal. But also just allowed me to be scared and vulnerable. I look forward to finishing this record and for you to hear it. I hope you like it. But if you don't, that's ok too. This music wasn't created for the purpose of finding my self worth in the numbers or facebook "likes" so it's ok if that doesn't happen. It was created to put a voice to the shame that follows victims around. 

 

Blessings.

- Meghan

Thank you Creative Sask.

In a couple hours I will be heading to a recording workshop with Bart McKay, Brett Kissel and Louis O'Reilly.

 

Thanks to Creative Sask for selecting me to take part in this weekend.

 

I will post an update when I get back!!!!!

 

 

Experience Regina.

You know that song right?!

"Regina.... duh duh..... experience Regina"

It's so good.

 

I sang that song all they way home from the west coast. 

 

I am currently sitting at my parents farm drinking some coffee and searching for some part time work. I will soon make the move to the glorious Queen City aka Regina. See you soon.

 

 

My First Poem.

This is a poem I wrote when I was five years old. 

 

 

Once I was in bed

With my head

I hope it doesn't fall off

because then I'll be a moth

O no! My head fell off

But instead I am a cloth.

 

 

You're welcome.

 

 

Today is a rainy day in Vancouver. I don't mind though. I think I will miss this rain once I'm gone. 

The Pacific Ocean.

One of the things I do almost every weekend is go to the ocean and journal. 

I will be leaving this place in under two weeks. I will be moving back home to Saskatchewan where there is no ocean :)

But I think one of the reasons why I loved the ocean so much while I was here was because it reminded me of Saskatchewan. 

You could stare out and see nothing but sky. 

--------

Today as I sat there on the beach... I noticed all of the signs up saying don't touch the water, don't fish, don't touch wet sand, etc. because of the oil spill that happened near English Bay in the past couple of weeks. 

Today the ocean felt like it was damaged. It made me think about how much damage we as humans can do. We do it to each other. We do it to ourselves. And we do it to the planet. 

It made me think about restoration. Reconciliation. 

We can just spill oil into the waters. Accident or not. And the sea creatures have no say. It just happens to them. They either survive it or they don't. 

There are situations like that all around us. Things happen to us. Things are done to us. We don't always have a say. And we either survive it or we don't. 

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