I've been working on this blog post for the last couple of weeks: using different language to try and say the same things.
Today as I sat on my couch staring at the blank walls in my new apartment for nearly an hour, I decided it was time to just open up the ol' 2008 Macbook and spew out my thoughts onto this page.
I've been having that weird empty feeling lately... you know the one where you try to keep yourself incredibly busy so you won't be left alone with your thoughts? That doesn't really make sense.... because if you feel empty, your thoughts must not have a lot going on either. But it feels more like there's too much going on in the noggin, but every thought is a fragment, so they don't really connect. You try and stay away from being alone with your thoughts because it's overwhelming and if you did give yourself permission to "think" and process, you wouldn't really reach constructive conclusions anyway.
I feel incredible resistance in my life lately. Like, it doesn't really matter how much effort or preparation I put into things, I still only barely "make the cut" or "scrape by" or whatever.
I feel rejected. I'm not totally sure where I belong these days or what I should be doing.
These are all just feelings though. I just spewed a bunch of feelings at you, without really telling you specific reasons behind them. But I don't need to go into reasons right now...
Are feelings valuable and valid in their own right? Different people will answer different things. Of course there are individuals who try and numb their feelings and don't think they're valid. And then their are others who FEEL EVERYTHING in such a visceral way. Perhaps, I am on that side of the fence. No kidding Meghan. You are on that side of the fence.
What I feel is valid. And I can acknowledge the struggle and brokenness as I stare that the blank walls in my new apartment. But after I wallow for a bit, I need to change the scenery. I need to get out of my own head. I need to go outside.
Endurance is important. Sometimes you're enduring without even really knowing that you are. I hope that's what I'm doing right now.